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Sisters: How Your Marriage Affects Your Relationship |
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Brides who attend The Emotions of Being Engaged workshop
often lament that their close relationships with their
siblings suddenly, upon their engagements, change.
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A loving brother becomes cynical, slinging hurtful,
sarcastic comments at the bride, in ways he had never done
before.
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A close, single sister suddenly stops her daily calls.
She's completely uninterested in the wedding details and is
reluctant to get involved.
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A sweet 10-year-old brother tells his bride-sister, "I
like your old boyfriend more than your fiance."
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Brides report feeling a complex combination
of anger, sadness, hurt, confusion, and guilt around their siblings
during their engagements and weddings. What, they wonder, is going
on between my brothers and sisters and me? Where did our close
relationships go? Why are they being so mean? Why are they
distancing from me, especially now, during my engagement, when I
need their support?
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Dr. Jane Greer in her book Adult Sibling
Rivalry: Understanding the Legacy of Childhood, offers some
perspective, albeit from your siblings' seat:
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"When your brother or sister marries, you experience an
abrupt and often substantial change in the nature of your
relationship. You may even experience the loss of companionship.
Your brother's availability will be more limited and less
spontaneous than it ever was. When your sibling marries, you may
lose the sort of interaction you had before. You will almost
certainly lose the degree of interaction."
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"If your brother has married, his primary relationship
will be with his wife," Greer continues. "He'll be spending most of
his time with her, and rightly so. But where does that leave you? Or
perhaps your sister marries. You may remain emotionally close, but
the days are over when you can just call her up and talk without
time limits, or spontaneously suggest, "How about I come over right
now?" Your support system has changed, and these changes can't help
but affect you." (1992. Crown Publishers, New York, p. 151)
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With your upcoming marriage, changes in your
relationships with your siblings are inevitable.
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What can you do to ease this?
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Acknowledge to yourself that your relationships with your
brothers and sisters are undergoing a profound change during your
engagement, wedding, and first year of marriage. With your focus
turning toward your husband-to-be, it's less on them. Your brothers'
and sisters' access to you, both physically and emotionally as Greer
describes, is changing. As a result, your siblings are feeling the
loss of you in their lives.
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The problem is, most brides and most siblings aren't
aware of these deeper feelings of loss around the changes. Loss
isn't usually associated with weddings, and there's no place for
sadness in the wedding celebration. So instead, people act out
unconsciously, as the 3 siblings described above have - making jabs,
cutting-off, or being downright mean about the future husband.
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So it's up to you to open up the communication lines.
Tell your siblings you've missed the closeness since you got
engaged. Tell them that your wedding may stir up feelings of
sadness, fear, or anger - that's normal. Talk about how you're
feeling. Admit that you're uncertain of what the future brings and
that yes, things will change between you, but also that you what to
stay as close as possible.
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If you honestly share where you are, and can honestly
listen to where they are - and let them be
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angry that they're losing you to your fiance, or
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sad that everything
seems to be changing in your family, or
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afraid of what the
future holds vis a vis your relationship -
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and don't try to change what they're feeling, then the channels
of communication will open again. You will have a closer
relationship with your sibling again.
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A changed relationship, for sure, and one that will
continue to undergo changes through your engagement, wedding, and
marriage, but you will have your sibling closer by your side again.
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About the Author
Allison Moir-Smith, MA is a psychotherapist, bridal counselor and author of
Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the "Happiest" Time of
Her Life. She's been featured on Today and Good Morning America and in
Cosmopolitan and Elle. She offers individual bridal counseling and
supportive group workshops. For more info:
www.emotionallyengaged.com |
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