| Private Lives of Engaged Couples |
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by Allison Moir-Smith, MA, of
Emotionally Engaged
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Photo by
Captivation Photo Studio
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This spring, I posted this question on my website:
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Since your engagement, your relationship with your
fiance has:
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A. Flourished. We feel more connected and in love
every day. Wedding planning is a breeze, and this is one
of the happiest times of my life.
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B. Had its ups and downs. I've been surprised how
different being engaged is, but we're dealing with it
pretty well.
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C. Been really challenging. We're feeling less
connected, having less sex, consumed with planning, and there's much more tension than I expected
there to be. The state of our relationship upsets us both.
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How would you answer? How has your relationship been since
you got engaged? Blissfully in love? Wracked by fear,
anger, stress, and conflict? Somewhere in between?
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Do you feel like you have to "hide" the reality of what's going
on in your relationship, so people will think you're still "the
perfect couple"? Do you both feel you should be happier than you
are? If so, you'll be relieved to learn that you're not alone...
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"We are definitely feeling more connected," one bride
elaborated. "Becoming engaged has grounded us and helped
us in our relationship. Before, little things might bother
us. Now we know we're here to stay and that we will work
it out, no matter what."
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"Initially, our
relationship did not flourish," answered another bride. The first
month, her fiance was laid off, and they thought they might have to
move away immediately. Her reaction was fear and anger, she said,
"and I sent most of it his way because I couldn't let anyone else
know I wasn't the 'happy bride's, right?" They survived this, as well
as some conflicts with family members, "and now that those external
things are leveling out, we are making a space for 'us.'...We're
growing closer in ways far beyond the physical. It's a mental
deepening into something more than infatuation/love. So right now, I
would say our relationship is flourishing."
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"I wanted to check 'flourished' because our relationship has
definitely strengthened since we've gotten engaged," wrote one
bride. "We have so much fun talking about being married and living
together. We're both so excited about this." Wedding planning, she
reports, is fun and exciting, but much more stressful than she ever
imagined.
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For this bride, the main reason it's been "up-and-down" is not
the relationship. It's the psychological transition she's making
from daughter to wife that's challenging. "I'm feeling a little more
sad about leaving my parents than I had expected to," she explains.
"I think about it a lot and talk to my Mom about it. I will
definitely talk to my Dad about it before the wedding, but I'm not
ready for that yet. I'm a Daddy's Girl, so it's going to be hard."
Reading The Conscious Bride has helped her understand what's
happening ("and the Emotionally Engaged workshop was a huge help,
too," she adds). "Overall, I've found that just accepting ALL the
feelings that have surfaced since becoming engaged -- even the ones
that I never expected (sad at times, and even lonely) -- have made
me much better at handling this whole process."
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Nearly half of all brides who answered said it's tough being
engaged.
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"There have been many ups and downs, and it's been difficult to
keep things stable, emotionally," said one bride. "We have too many
emotions going on at once, individually and together. It's just been
really stressful."
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"My fiance was listening to me read the choices," reported
another. "For 'flourished,' he said very sarcastically, 'Yeah,
right.' For 'ups-and-downs' he said, 'Sort of.' For 'been really
challenging,' he said, "Exactly.' We're soooo stressed. He's
stressed because I'm stressed. He's so excited to get married; I'm
so scared."
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And commented that their relationships had flourished, had ups
and downs, and been really challenging, all at once.
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This, I believe, is perfectly normal. Why?
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Engagement is a transition -- a change in self-identity from
single woman to married woman, and a change in family relationship
from daughter in your parent's family to wife with the new family
you're creating. Your fiance is going through a similar change --
from single guy to married man, from son to husband.
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These are profound changes in identity and in family
relationships. So profound that many brides and grooms are
overwhelmed by stress, sadness, anxiety, anger, and fear. As one
bride above says, "we have too many emotions going on at once,
individually and together."
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Staying connected and feeling close to each other when all this
emotion is going on can seem nearly impossible. You're changing,
he's changing, and you're changing as a couple. The volume and
intensity of emotions you're feeling right now would overwhelm even
a couple married 30 years.
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Especially since men are more easily "flooded" by emotion than
women, according to John Gottman, Ph.D., author of The Seven
Principles for Making Marriage Work. In times of high emotional
stress, men get flooded and shut down, and women still try to
connect, to no avail. The result: both men and women are alone and
left hanging. And that only adds to the stress and bad feeling.
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Your work is to learn
how to feel these feelings, separately and together. To feel the
sadness about leaving your single life. To feel the fear about
leaving your family. To feel the anxiety about making a lifelong
commitment. To come to know the feelings -- rather than repress them
into stress.
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If you would like guidance, this is what we'll do in the
Engaged Couples' workshop.
We'll help you and your fiance understand the changes that
are happening in your relationship and teach you how to
deal with the family stresses that always arise. Get a
psychological perspective on your engagement! For more
information:
www.emotionallyengaged.com
or call today for a free 30-minute phone consultation, 617-739-5353
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About the Author
Allison Moir-Smith, MA is a psychotherapist, bridal counselor and author of
Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the "Happiest" Time of
Her Life. She's been featured on Today and Good Morning America and in
Cosmopolitan and Elle. She offers individual bridal counseling and
supportive group workshops. For more info:
www.emotionallyengaged.com |
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