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| Mothers & Daughters |
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Photo by
Artistic Expressions
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Written by
Allison Moir-Smith, MA,
Emotionally Engaged
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If it's Mom, you're not alone. 100% of
brides who responded to this question on my website said "my
mother."
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Brides report that some mothers are obsessive and
controlling about their weddings. Others are not
interested enough. A few are downright mean.
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Why, during this happy time of life, do mothers cause such
pain?
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You're separating from each other.
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Years ago, you came from her body. The first few months of life,
you were so entwined you didn't know where you ended, and she began.
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Your entire life has been a process of separating from her. By
getting married, you're leaving her to become entwined with your
husband, and your wedding marks the end of that process.
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Separating from your mother is essential for a healthy
marriage. But it's hard.
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It's normal and natural to be sad that it's the end of this
formative era. Feeling the sadness that it's over is necessary. To
be fully present for the new era with your husband, you need to
acknowledge this ending and feel the grief accompanying it.
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Mom needs to acknowledge the ending and feel the grief, too.
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Weddings are stressful because most brides and their
families try desperately not to feel the raw, deeper
feelings of grief. The sadness gets channeled into weird
behavior about the wedding - obsessive focus, active
uninterest, irrational anger, or too much generosity.
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Why? Most people are far more comfortable obsessing
about bridesmaid dresses or being angry about the size of
the guest list than feeling sad.
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This may explain why Mom's driving you nuts: she's
doing everything she can not to feel the sadness.
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First, be compassionate with Mom and with
yourself. On a deep level, you're both sad and hurting,
but you may not be aware of it.
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Second, understand that Mom's crazy-making
behavior is her attempt to not feel the sadness that she's
losing you to your husband-to-be.
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Third, realize that the difficulties ultimately
serve your marriage. These conflicts are helping you
separate from her so that you can make a new family with
your husband. Strange, but true.
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Fourth, talk with her. Share that you're
feeling sad that it's an end of an era. Ask her if she's
sad. Getting things on the table clears the way for more
closeness. And less craziness.
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Fifth, remember these are growing pains. You're
separating from your mother - and she from you - and this
is an uncomfortable, in-between time. Things will settle
between you after the wedding - settle into something new
and potentially, more loving and more equal.
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About the Author
Allison Moir-Smith, MA is a psychotherapist, bridal counselor and author of
Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the "Happiest" Time of
Her Life. She's been featured on Today and Good Morning America and in
Cosmopolitan and Elle. She offers individual bridal counseling and
supportive group workshops. For more info:
www.emotionallyengaged.com |
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