Rationally, Dad's thrilled for you
Dad's happy you've found the right guy, and he's excited about
the prospect of grandchildren.
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Emotionally, Dad's reeling
Weddings ignite deep, unruly, Oedipal stuff for every Dad. In
addition to being really sad he's losing you, Dad's also angry.
He's mad he's being replaced. Dad may be scared, too: what will
happen when you're gone? Your wedding makes him feel his age
(and brings him closer to his own death), and that scares him,
too.
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Dad probably doesn't know it
Most men aren't taught how to feel their feelings. Especially
Dads, who are socialized to be The Rock of the family. So Dads
misbehave.
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Feelings get acted out weirdly
Most brides have Dad stories. From these, I've created
composites. Which is your Dad?
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The Devoted Dad understands that weddings signify that he is
no longer the #1 man in his daughter's life, a position he's
held since the day she was born. A Devoted Dad can grieve this
loss and let his daughter go.
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The Checkbook-In-Hand Dad tries to maintain his #1 position
by sparing no expense. He's trying to avoid his loss by giving
her everything she wants. Way beyond reason.
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The Denial Dad avoids the reality that he's losing his
daughter. One bride watched "Father Of The Bride" with her
parents. 15 minutes into the movie, Dad was snoring on the
couch. Watching Steve Martin was too close to home, so he
checked out.
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The Meddling Dad involves himself in tiny wedding decisions.
He has an opinion about absolutely everything. Why? By focusing
on the details of the day, he's found a way NOT to feel the loss
of his daughter.
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The Distant Dad is disinterested in the details of the
wedding, his daughter and/or her fiance. This Dad is in so much
pain about the impending loss of his daughter that he puts up a
wall.
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The Deceased Dad is simply not there. His daughter will have
conflicting feelings of deep sadness and raging anger that he's
missing yet another important event. Brides who have lost
parents are amazed at the unexpected role grief plays in their
weddings.
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He's gotta feel it
Dad needs to feel the loss because the reality is: you are
leaving him. Let him be distant, in denial, or too generous.
It's his weird way of dealing with his sadness.
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What can you do?
Talk with him about your feelings of loss and fear about leaving
him. Maybe he'll open up. Or maybe not. He's an old dog, and he
doesn't learn new tricks. Especially how to feel and talk about
feelings. Don't force him. Don't fix him.
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Be
patient with your Old Man. He's dreaded your wedding since the
day you were born.
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My Meddling Dad
said it perfectly
After 11 1/2 months of sticking his nose into our wedding, he
finally articulated what had been going on. At the end of our
walk down the aisle, he said, "She's yours now, Jason," and sat
down, sadly and heavily, beside my mother.
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He was 100% right.
Before the wedding, I was primarily his. Now, primarily, I am
another man's wife.
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That's sad for our
old Dads. We brides must be patient with them as they get used
to their position as #2.
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About the Author
Allison Moir-Smith, MA is a psychotherapist, bridal counselor and author of
Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the "Happiest" Time of
Her Life. She's been featured on Today and Good Morning America and in
Cosmopolitan and Elle. She offers individual bridal counseling and
supportive group workshops. For more info:
www.emotionallyengaged.com |
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